I haven't been blogging quite as much as I had planned to it's not that I don't want to keep everyone up to date cause believe me I do its just every time I start typing and by the time I finish it takes me down mentally and physically for several days. This type of heart break and what it does to you is unimaginable and something I have no control over. Here is an example it was just last week I took my daughter Ashley and my two grandkids Lariah and Westyn to Phoenix overnight just to give us some one on one time something we don't get much of as Ashley lives about 45 miles away and neither one of us usually has the funds to travel to see each other as we would like so I thought this was a much needed get away even if it was only for the night. Once we arrived in Phoenix and got checked into out hotel we took the kids to the onsite water park before taking the kids to Castles and Coasters and the big thing for my grandson was to ride a go cart and actually he thought he would be able to drive but he is my little shorty with a huge attitude but he seemed to handle the fact that his momma would be the driver and he was over the moon when he realized at the bumper cars he would be the one driving and even buckled up he stretched his little leg out so he was able to touch the pedal and be the one to drive and the smile he had on his face every time he rammed me or his sisters car made me laugh and Lariah she knew she was going to be big enough to ride most of the rides without having to have anyone ride with her which made her so happy and my daughter Ashley was happy seeing her children have fun and although I was enjoying myself and the memories we were making I was constantly excusing myself as the tears would start forming in my eyes and if I didn't get control it would be a mess and I didn't want that memory for Ashley or the kids but the truth is I wanted Jorden and her 3 kids there so bad with us and I couldn't stop the emotion of them not being there cause that's the way it was supposed to be us three and the little fives and I kept playing over and over in my head the chain of events and tragedy as to why they weren't there with us and I have never had my eyes hurt so bad from holding back the raging water of tears as I did this night . So this is just one of many examples of no longer having control over myself as the heartbreak and heartache seems to be in control at all time. Its this uncontrollable emotions that makes me scared to go back to work or look for a job because I don't know what could be a trigger and I don't want anyone to see the pain, I don't
want people to look at me different but how can they not . I'm still learning daily how to live this new life and so many of you are learning it with me . I just so bad want the hands of justice to start so I can grieve Jorden, so I can fall apart, so I can let it all out. So thank you for reading and thank you for letting me share my new self.
