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I’m not ready

Today is January 9th, 2023 and I woke up some time after noon when Marty got home from the doctors and instead of being a warm compassionate person I was hard, angry and upset he even had to go see the doctor cause in my screwed up head it meant he wasn't taking care of himself and I know I'm not well enough to take care of him I can barely care for myself, all this makes me feel even more like a piece of crap putting more in my head. How can I handle anyone else's emotions when I barely get through the day with my own . I have used therapy and self medicating to get me this far since December 28th, 2019 just so I wouldn't have to feel what I am feeling right now. So with therapy a few days away and day one of no medicating I'm raw emotion and pain with no immediate support system. I can't expect Ashley or Taylar to be that as they too are dealing with the loss of Jorden. I keep at a distance fro

Marty since I found out he had been unfaithful before and during our marriage in turn sent me further down this mental mind warp ending my relationship with my two sisters, nieces and nephew, I was already severed from my egg donor and her husband and they chose not to let me see my grandchildren which are Jorden's children. After all Mary snd Mike being the fake Christian's they are! My friend circle is small and as not to lose them I keep a lot of emotion bottled up, let's face it I have had enough loss to last several lifetimes. Getting through the seconds of everyday is the hardest task, missing my daughter so much I forget to breathe and still trying to function as a mother to my daughter Ashley and my other two grandkids and being their for my niece Taylar. No one has seen me like this since Jorden's been gone cause I have medicated my way through it so scared of not being medicated because I'm too much of a coward to really feel the heartbreak, pain and emptiness, and before anyone says anything I have tried before to go through a day not medicated and it turned dark very fast so fast that medicating was a necessity needed to survive this hell.

Reliving Jorden's murder and what my baby endured eats me up, makes me so ill, feeling like I didn't do enough to save her, placing blame on myself being forced to take my daughter off of life support not being able to hold her when she took her last breath cause I didn't want to believe it was happening so I sat in other room trying to convince myself this was not really happening that it was just a nightmare and I was gonna wake up from it, but guess what it was all to real and all to true and I wasn't ever gonna wake up from it .

Here I am no medicating and have mediation prep with attorneys this week and then mediation nine days later and all I can think is wtf how do I do this I know I'm a coward with my emotions and the need not to feel. So what are these upcoming days going to look like? It doesn't really matter I guess cause I'm already terrified, I'm already feeling like I'm going crazy as I lay here thinking and reliving that godforsaken December and what Safford Police and Graham County did to my baby girl and the cover ups and lies they spun to make my daughter look like she did it to herself and now my rage for those that betrayed, failed to protect and serve and proved to being nothing but liars, killers and all while they hide behind that badge. So Jorden is dead they silenced her and now they look for their next victim. I've made it my mission even through this hell to make change with law enforcement so no more families endure this living hell!

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