It doesn’t get any better

I sit here in bed with tears running down my face just so unhappy and it’s not because I have a bad marriage, uncaring sisters or awful friends but because my baby girl is gone and it’s forever. The closer it gets to her death date and her favorite time of the year in turn I hate going into stores and hearing Christmas music playing the Christmas decorations everywhere I hate driving around town after dark and seeing all the houses decorated the Christmas trees in home. I don’t expect anyone to get it I replay in my head Jorden begging to come home for Christmas and then she’s dead, almost two years later her presents are still wrapped never to be opened and ever since I don’t accept anything on Christmas or hand out, Jorden's babies Christmas gifs are still wrapped along with their mothers and before I’m judged about my other grandkids let me say I don’t recall the last holiday that my other grandchildren spent with me and Marty has his family and I encourage him to go I'm not much for company around this time cause I just want to either stay so busy I don't have time to think or curl up into a ball in bed and honestly hate life. It is so hard to describe and trust me I have tried to think of words to describe the agony, emptiness and the heartbreak so others can imagine a person looking normal on the outside but so broken on the inside into tiny pieces there is no way to ever put me back together. I use to love Christmas as much as Jorden so for me to feel the way I do and not to even miss any of it is one of the many pieces broke inside me. I don't like the anger that I feel when I see family's decorating, smiling, laughing, and excited I don't know if it is really anger I do know it's just another kick in the gut reminding me that Jorden isn't here to decorate, laugh, and be just as excited as an adult as she was when she was a little girl and damnit I hate knowing I will never share another Christmas with my little girl and what makes it even worse is it was taken from us by these incompetent barney fifes that like to rape, beat, steal and murder. So I don't know if anyone seen the photos of the Rosemary Lacy that was driving the car that night that ran over my daughter's head... well first time in almost two years that I seen her that close but she wants to go tell the county that i am stalking her can you believe that apparently she doesn't know a damn thing about stalking just as she knows nothing about restraints. That day changed me even more, made me hurt that much more the thought of what they did to my little girl eats me alive. I feel so bad for my family and I wish I could fake my way through this but I cant and I wont pretend to either. I want to drive out to the middle of nowhere and set up camp with no site of Christmas anywhere. Then maybe I can escape the stupid shit cops like to pull me over for and escape the damn cop right the hell across the street from our house formerly a detention guard at the jail which makes me wonder what he did to my daughter with the rest of them. Then I have another cop that lives just around the corner and I just keep waiting for the next time I get pulled over will they load me into the backseat of a car and toss me out and run over my head to silence me?? I know they want to and I'm here to tell you that as broken as I am suicide its not an option so all of who reads this knows that they too murdered me if I by some chance end up dead and they try to say I killed myself I hope someone would call bullshit. I trigger daily living here, cause I have no safe zone no safe place. They took my entire life and they had no right too. I like to know one person that can stay sane losing an entire family cause I didn't just lose Jorden but my grandchildren her children are being kept from me, let me tell you that will make one absolutely fucking insane. I like to know how their so called preacher Kevin West also Thatcher cop lives with himself condoning their actions all for the money put in that tithing tray every Sunday to supplement his income, or my Aunt Peggy condoning Mary beating on my grandkids when they were all at a cabin because my granddaughter peed herself my god she's been through enough they all 3 have and you will sit back and watch Mary and Mike treat my grandchildren like they are nothing but punching bags so I have to ask do they pay you with the profit they make from my daughters babies. I hope they know they got a one way ticket to hell and who knows I might be driving that bus. I cant wait for the day I can confront every last one that has had their hand in my living hell and that has mistreated my grandchildren. I fight so many battles on a daily basis people don't know the half of it and I cant believe how cold and uncaring this world is I have kept my eye out looking for someone to stand up and speak out with me on all the wrong doings that go on and not just speak out on the tragic death of Jorden but all the other senseless shit that goes on, I know I am not the only grandparent that DCS has played god with and I know Jorden isn't the only victim of sexual assault and murder by law enforcement so with that why doesn't any one else speak up and out and draw attention and so much attention that it cant be ignored. Let me tell everyone something Jorden's life mattered just as every other life that has been taken whether your red, black or white no one deserves to have their life taken and everyone of these lives matter, but not to everyone that's obvious. I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere I just hope one day I wake up to find I'm not the only one screaming on these streets and to anyone that wants to hear it or not. Just about every evening I get on my twitter and I make comments on just about every post and ask them to read Jorden's story and to pass it on with some success sometimes and others is a fake Luke Bryan trying to scam me for money I don't have, but even if I can get the fake Luke Bryan that wants to scam me to read her story and help bring awareness to what is going on in this town and many others I will take it. I know ppl sit back and say it's not their problem and they are right its not but what happened to caring for others, what happened to picking ppl up when they cant get up on their own. Even with my heart broke in a trillion pieces I still care all these so called Christians where the hell are they and why aren't they caring about what is happening to so many.. my family gets so upset with me because I want to change the world I want to take on and protect those that cant protect themselves and be the voice for the ones that cant speak. All I know is if I don't try I couldn't live with myself. Thanks for reading lets see when I am able to get another blog out and even if no one reads it I'm able to say what I need to and get through another trigger. Please be kind and look out for those that need it don't turn a blind eye show the evil in this world what goodness looks like


Deborah Sanchez

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