Time gets closer

The closer to the 26th & 28th which are both severely traumatic dates me it gets harder to breathe. Almost a year in 8 days and life in anyway shape or form has not gotten easier or less painful, it also marks one more year I have not been allowed to see my grandchildren and no I haven’t been able to afford an attorney or I would of done so by now, unfortunately we barely get by. I want to go back to work just because of making a paycheck but at the same time I realize I’m not mentally ready and I also know with that and my career being Safety/MSHA Instructor I don’t feel safe to put others lives in my hands as working in a mining environment is extremely dangerous and I would not want anything to happen to another life because mentally I’m not ready to teach them how to be safe. I’m going to find out from my attorneys if I can put on here the conversations between myself and jorden so everyone can know what I carry around in my head daily and maybe understand a lot more of why this fight has to be fought and has to be won. The minute I sit still it plays in my head like a movie reel and I become so angry especially they arrested Jorden in a Saturday and would not allow her to call me until Monday and having my daughter tell me “Mommy I’m scared“ abs not a damn thing I can do eats at me and letting me know that cop sexually assaulted her and then to be assaluted again by a guard and knowing your daughter was telling the truth I wish it could have been me and not my daughter. Oh and then watch the cover ups and be lied too as if I’m stupid only makes me rage more. So anniversary of the day that changed life forever approaches closer makes me so sick and broken that everyday functions become twice as hard. I wish I knew if I am going to be able to survive this and get the justice that has to happen for Jorden and so many more. They just didn’t take Jorden but they took me and her children, sisters, nieces, aunts, cousins and nephews and left the biggest void I don’t even know if my oldest will survive this and losing another child is an unbearable nightmare