Living Without Jorden

Let me get this started by saying I was no where close to being the perfect mother only the product of a woman that was 16

years old when she became pregnant with me. My grandmother was the only reason I survived my upbringing as my sister Crystal and I always referred to our grandmother as our Angel as our mother Mary made it clear through out our childhood that we ruined her life. Its so bizarre how a child can be abused but the thought of the abuser giving them away created such anxiety as she was all we knew and we would cry and say we were sorry every time she asked us if we wanted her to give us up for adoption or to let us know how lucky we were cause she didn't have an abortion or the countless times my sister Crystal and I would wear her name across our body's from a leather western belt that had MARY stamped on it or the hand prints across our face. So growing up loved was something we knew nothing about but would see if from our grandma and only wished our own mother could love us. I hated myself when I would see her come out in me when I became a mother but let me make this clear when it came to Ashley and Jorden I fell in love with them the day they were born and always told them I loved them, my daughters were my life. Ashley was a very mature child as she was the one that would come wipe the tears away after being hit by Davin, physical abuse I would tolerate almost everyday for 8 years and during this time I honestly don't remember any reaction from Jordie as I always called her. After my divorce with Davin and before my marriage to my mental abuser of 18 years Marc I was raped and the impact this had on not only me but my children an absolute nightmare which I contribute to my bad decision of Marc cause he not only mentally abused me but he was verbally abusive to my daughters and later to find out molested Jordie. Lets remember that abusive relationships were normal for me as that was all I knew my entire life until my husband Marty came into our lives and showed me an entirely different world one that I will be forever grateful for as he truly loves me and my daughters and the first man Jorden ever respected. I remember getting ready one day and Jordie came in and told me she had never seen me look so beautiful and it was because of Marty, I cant help but tear up as I type this as it seems like it was only yesterday. Our love and our marriage has been put to the test in just the first year and I look at him and wonder how he has stayed. Jorden's death changed me so much that when I look in the mirror I don't recognize myself, my husband goes to bed alone and I don't join him until my body shuts down from total exhaustion which is usually around four or five am and I don't wake up until sometime in the afternoon. My mind doesn't shut off any more as I battle to get Justice for Jorden and so many others and I fight to bring her babies home with me and most days I feel so defeated. My husband hollars squirrel alot as I'm sure most of you will relate with him when you read my blogs as I cant seem to stay focused and I jump all over the place. I don't like cooking any more, I don't like going on the Harley for rides with Marty anymore, I struggle every day just to breathe. Jorden lived at home and always kept me on my toes and kept me busy, the talk was that she would live at home with me until she was thirty and she only had two years to go before they took her from me. Christmas was Jorden's favorite holiday and now my most hated I get sick to my stomach as I go into stores and see the decorations, I kept a rose bush out front that she decorated almost a year ago. She went crazy decorating the yard the house and did it in one day cause she knew Marty loved Christmas just as much as she did and she wanted him to be surprised when he came home and he was, the look on his face priceless as Jorden didn't leave a space untouched. Jorden was that kid that would sneak under the tree and peel back the tape just to get a sneak at what she was going to be getting and she loved buying gifts and seeing everyones face as they opened them as if that was her best gift. She had such a big heart and she was always the one that if you needed her she would be there in a heartbeat. After the tree came down I placed her wrapped presents in her room where they are still almost a year later. Her laundry is still in her laundry basket and her room a shrine. The emptiness and the quiet of this house has made it impossible to live in. A place I use to love is now a place I cant stand to be. My nightstand use to have fresh flowers that Jorden would pick from the neighbors yard and from Marty's rose bush when he wasn't looking. My little sister Misty purchased me a wooden flower bouquet and then I received a purple wooden rose from my dear friend Debra's mom which means the world to me I just cant help missing my flowers from my baby girl. I have got to wrap this up it takes so much out of me and will follow up tomorrow or the next day. On the end note of this Living without Jorden is a personal hell, a tragic nightmare you cant wake from, a pain that is physical and mental, I have never felt so broken, so angry, and so lost. I miss her and I needed her as much as she needed me..